Akatsuki Saturday Nights
by xXKiba'sxDreamerxGirlXx
Summary: Yeah... even serial killers can have waaay too much freetime. And I gotta say... Deidara is OOC! Warning, shortness! NOW A SERIES!
1. The Akatsuki and Their Stories

A/N: I was bored! Don't judge me! I'm a human being!

Disclaimer: Don't own it, that's so LAME! And such a drag… Hehe I love Shikamaru. He's in the top ten :)

* * *

Itachi tapped his chin repeatedly, looking at the t.v. screen. "Why doesn't she just kill everyone?" he wondered out loud.

Zetsu stood behind him, he stared at the girl. "**She looks delicious...**" "She sure does..."

Kisame walked into the room, with a rag in his hands and cup in the other. "*Sigh* Why do I have to do the dishes today?" Itachi turned around with his mangekyo sharingan on. "Okay, okay! Anyway... what did I miss?"

"Not much." Hidan said, bloodied just finished with a ritual. "You know, if she would just become Jashin-sama's believer, she wouldn't have to deal with this s***." he rested his hands on the back of the couch.

"Hidan! Don't f****** bleed on the sofa! Do you know how much these things cost?" Kakuzu screamed.

"I don't understand why I'm here." Sasori said, leaning against Deidara. He sighed. "The girl should just kill the bad guy and live happily ever after with that loser blonde dude. She should be happy." Everyone stared at him like he was a crazed idiot.

Deidara clung onto the couch pillow for dear life, staring intently at the screen."C'mon, HINATA! KICK THAT JERK'S LILY ASS!" Deidara jumped up from his seat and screamed.


	2. The Wonders of Babysitting

By popular demand, I am turning this into a series of one-shots of Saturday nights for the Akatsuki! I hope you enjoy them! *Hugs* (^^)(^^)

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It was a wonderful Saturday morning. The sun was shining, birds were chirping, and everything was quiet. The day was seemingly to go without a hitch for our beloved Akatsuki. Yet, something was off to Deidara. He knew that there had to be something bad to happen to them. They're the Akatsuki for Christ's sake!

Deidara just shrugged it off and went to the living room to plop down on the couch. The only others in the room were Itachi and Sasori, and they had their eyes transfixed on some... weird t.v. show. "She is the one called Sailor Moon!" the theme song proclaimed proudly.

"Itachi... Sasori... to we really have to wat-" Deidara's was cut off by annoyed shushes. "Well, un!" Deidara snapped back. He was answered by another shush. "Why do I have to live with this?" Deidara said, mostly to himself, with a scowl. He pushed himself up and walked to the kitchen.

There, head in the fridge, stood Zetsu, the house phone pressed to his ear. "I'm sorry, Ami, but I don't think we can. **We are in an S-Ranked criminal organization**." he said, pulling out a very bloody leg and inspected it. The odd man turned his head to see Deidara in the doorway. "Oh, good morning. **Do you need anything from the fridge**?"

With eyes wide as dinner plates, Deidara declined with, "N-no! I was only going to have coffee, hm..." Zetsu shrugged and went back to his phone conversation.

Deidara shook his head and went to the coffee pot, trying his best to not look like he was eavesdropping.

"Fine, we'll take care of her... Uh-huh... Okay, bye." he muttered. With a growl, he hung up the phone, darn near breaking it in the process. Suddenly, a smirk rose to his face. "Hey, Deidara... **How are you good with kids**?"

Deidara pondered on it a moment, then answered, "Pretty good, I guess. Why, un?"

~~Time Skip - 6:00 p.m.~~

"Thank you so much, Zetsu! We really appreciate this," a woman's voice was heard by Deidara. "And she has her back pack. It has her pj's in it, and everything. And remember, if she has trouble falling asleep, just sing her a lullaby and she'll knocked right out." Deidara's eyes widened in horror. BABYSITTING?

A few minutes later, Zetsu walked into the living room, little in tow. "Zetsu, why do you have a small child with you?" Pein asked, not taking his eyes away from the t.v. screen.

"THIS IS OUR FOUR-YEAR-OLD NIECE," he answered, pulling her around to make her stand in front of him. Soon, all attention was on the girl. She was perfectly human! Well, as human as you can be with jade green hair. As if reading their minds, Zetsu added, "Our brother's wife is human." They still stared at him. "What?** Just because we are in the Akatsuki**, and part plant, **doesn't mean we can't have family**. Our mother, in fact, is still alive."

"Holy s***! You have a mother?" went Hidan's voice. That earned a slap from Konan.

"Excuse you! There is a child present!" she scolded, while Zetsu's eye twitched, showing that he was quite offended.

"**How do you think we were born**?"

Thinking it a legitimate question, Hidan suggested, "Someone put human cells, plant cells and various food colorings in a blender?" Zetsu facepalmed at the comment.

This whole time, Rini stood there, clutching her back pack closer. She was fine with Uncle Zetsu, he always played tea party and stuff with her when he came to visit. But these other people scared the poor girl to death. Rini was obviously not that good around strangers. The little girl found herself scooped up, making her drop her back pack with her only comfort object. She was suddenly aloft in front of Deidara. "Deidara has first shift."

"Nani? Why me, un?" Deidara shouted. Rini's bottom lip began to quiver. The blonde began to panic. "Ah! No, don't cry! Please don't cry, hm!" After this panic attack, Rini began to full on sob.

Everyone covered their ears. "Will you shut it up!" Kisame cried. Even Samehada couldn't match this kind of torture.

"Tell her men don't cry! It worked with Sasuke when he was little!" Itachi offered over the little girl's wails.

"She isn't a man! **She's a little girl**!" Zetsu screamed.

Deidara, acting upon instinct, wrapped his arms around the little girl and pulled her into his lap. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, un." he tried to sooth her. Rini's cries were soon reduced to a whimper, Deidara running his fingers through her mop of short hair.

"It's okay." Rini sniffed in a small voice. Zetsu began to dig through the little Barbie back pack, pulling out a little teddy bear. (_AN: Think of an orange Usa-chan from OHSHC_). Rini almost immediately took it from Zetsu. She hugged it close, unaware of the odd stares she and Deidara were recieving.

"Well... This is... Odd." Sasori commented before Deidara was suddenly dragged off, along with Konan, to play princess.

"NO! PLEASE NO!" went Deidara's final cry of mercy, the very second the lipstick came into contact with his lips.


	3. The Akatsuki Get High

It was an unusually... boring? Oi, Yuki-sempai! Am I reading the script right...? Okay... It was an unusually boring day for the Akatsuki. Hidan, however, was semi-entertaining himself with only a tortilla chip and a bowl of salsa. "Dun-na... Dun-na... Dun-na, dun-na, dun-na, dun-na, dun-na, dun-na. Salsa shark... We're gonna need a bigger boat." (Whoever can name the character and movie this is from, you win a special treat! So review with your guess, my little minions!)

Sasori, who sat upside-down in the recliner, sighed, "Hidan... what are you doing?"

Hidan immediately stopped and growled out, "I have no f***ing idea. I've never been so bored in my Jashin-damned life." That would soon be put to an immediate, for Tobi has just ran into the room screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Tobi has never felt so good in his life!" he said, running circles around the living room.

Deidara got up, and slapped the masked man into stopping in his tracks. "Okay, why are you more annoying than usual, Tobi, un?" he asked in a slow-ish manner. Tobi ignored the question and began running circles backwards. And being the frakin' awesome ninja that he was, avoided Deidara's attempts in catching him. While Tobi was running, a small, plastic baggie filled to the brim with a brownish-green plant* and a white substance.

Itachi noticed this, and picked up the bag. He and Deidara loomed over it, and took in a small whiff. In shock, the Uchiha dropped the bag with wide eyes. This shocked the whole Akatsuki, as it was quite hard to get Itachi to change emotions. "Er... Itachi...? What was in the bag?" Kisame asked cautiously. Suddenly, Tobi wrapped his arms around the shark man's neck.

"Hey, there, pretty lady. Wanna ditch these losers to hang out with a real man?" he asked in an attempted seductive voice. Kisame screamed and whipped around to punch the now quite scary man. Tobi was thrown back, making an obvious crater in the wall behind him.

Hearing all the ruckus that was going on, Pein stepped into the room, and yelled in a booming voice, "What the hell is going on here?" Deidara tossed him the bag. It didn't take Pein two seconds to realise what the contents were. He dropped the bag, and held Tobi by the collar of his shirt faster than lightning. "Where... did... you.. get.. that?" he seethed.

"Oi! Leader-sama!" Deidara said with a snicker. "How'd you know what it was so quickly, un? 'Tachi and I had to smell first."

Pein's back straightened at the question. "I-I... That's not important!" he stuttered before returning to interrogating Tobi. "Now, where did you get that stuff?"

Tobi began to giggle furiously, "Tobi found it under Hidan-sempai's bed. And then Tobi mixed them with the cookie batter that Konan-chan made, and then she baked 'em, and then Tobi ate one." He smiled hugely under his mask. That comment made Deidara, Kisame, Itachi and Zetsu go wide eyed.

"Oh, let me guess... You all had a cookie, too?" Pein asked, dropping Tobi onto the floor.

Deidara also started to chuckle, almost girl like, and said, "No... Oh, my god! You have a face!" pointing to Itachi next to him. Kisame fainted, drool spilling over his lips. Er... I guess he doesn't take well to drugs... Deidara began laughing like a mad-man. The blonde wrapped an arm around Itachi, muttereing, "Heh-heh, blue dude fell down..."

"Hee-hee... I say we grab my lipstick and write, hee-hee... _bad_ words on his forehead..." Itachi tittered, whipping out a purse from nowhere. Deidara and Itachi laughed as they were mean to Kisame. Zetsu pulled Konan close, and began whispered... quite naughty things to the flower in her hair. The unfortunate part was that she heard the whole thing.

"I'M GOING TO F***KING KILL YOU, HIDAN!"

* * *

*I don't know if that's what weed or cocaine looks like! Good thing, huh? That means I don't do drugs ^^


	4. Hidan Get's Scared

Deidara smiled evilly as he entered the Akatsuki hideout. A small dvd case in his hands gave an uneasy suspicion to the rest of the his fellow Akatsuki members. Sasori merely rolled his eyes at the blonde pyromaniac. He could only guess what movie that was in the wrong person's hands. "SENPAI~!" Tobi popped out of no where, scaring the ever living out of the unsuspecting man. The man-child jumped on Deidara's back in a seemingly I-demand-a-piggy-back-ride-now fashion. "Whatcha got there, senpai?" Tobi all but screamed in his ear.

With a growl, Deidara pushed the masked man off of him. But then he chuckled darkly, "Only the scariest movie known to man," with an evil-ish smiled towards the dvd cover. He then brought to the living room to show it to the others. "THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE!" he proclaimed holding the dvd over his head. Hidan laughed at it.

"That piece of s***? Dude, Barney and Friends is scarier," he chuckled. Deidara sighed. He knew that Hidan had never seen The Human Centipede... It had been banned in nearly every village except for The Hidden Leaf and Mist. But not sooner than it dropped, the evil smirk was back to adorning his lips.

"Well, let's just see, then," Deidara said, putting the disc in the dvd player.

*2 Hours Later*

Deidara sighed in defeat. Hidan was right; it WAS the worst horror movie he had ever seen. "You were right, Hidan. This movie su-" he turned to look at the silver haired man. But he stopped short when he saw that Hidan was clutching onto Itachi for dear life. Itachi was doing his best to get out of the Jashinist's grip, but, admitably (Is this even a word?), he was better built and R-E-F-U-S-E-D to let go.

"Hidan-senpai! Are you okay?" Tobi shouted, his normal self. Even he wasn't scared. Hidan simply shook his head no, not taking his eyes away from the now black screen. Konan sighed, getting up from her spot next to Pain.

"Well, I'm gonna hit the sack," she stretched her back. That earned a few snickers... Mainly from Deidara, Kisame and Tobi. "Grow up!" she snapped, getting away from the immature doof-butt... I should stop narrating before Yuki-senpai kills me... ANYWAY!

Pein got up, and quickly coughed, "Uh... I think I'm going to go to bed, too..." Oh, Pein. Like we don't know what you're going to do... Either way, Hidan still had a strong hold on Itachi.

Itachi sweat dropped, and again tried in vain to the*ahem* man off him. With a sigh, the Uchiha said, "Would you be so kind to LET ME GO?" Hidan reluctantly let go of him, stalking off to his own room. Deidara watched him go with a pure evil smile.

*Later, Around 4 a.m.*

Hidan finally went to sleep after another hour or so, and was having an unbothered sleep. That is... until Deidara stood before his door with a doctor's mask on. The door opened ever so slowly, eminating an audible creak. Deidara tip-toed up to the bed with a clay scapel he made a few minutes ago in hand. He hovered over the sleeping man. "Hidaaaaan! It's time for surgeryyyyyyyyyyy!" he screamed in his ear.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"


End file.
